Vital Halloween Information

Firstly, I want to tell children everywhere (assuming children read this) that your parents and the media are big fat liars.  All that crap about poisoned Milky Ways and candy apples and popcorn balls studded with razor blades is a myth.

There have been only a handful of events such as these in decades upon decades, and given the number of children who are beaten by their parents, hit by drunk drivers, and shot by classmates, Halloween is the least of your worries.  Go out, have fun, look both ways, and avoid creepy people who offer to give you something only if you come inside, and the odds are good you’ll survive the holiday.

And if your parents ask to inspect your candy before you eat it, do not leave the room; there is a good chance they are simply picking out the candy they like and giving you back the cheap filler. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Secondly, I have been doing taste tests so that I might save trick-or-treaters the unpleasant experience of biting into something they will not like. 

Kit Kat:  it’s not as chocolately as I think it ought to be, it’s almost more of a cocoa taste than truly chocolate, but it’s not unpleasant. On the plus side, the crisp wafer is not very sweet so it balances the sweetness of the chocolate, making it a good choice for those who like semi-sweet sweets.

Snickers:  when people ask if I like Snickers I always say I do not, but I thought I better eat a few to be sure that is still true.  Honestly, I don’t dislike them as much as I thought I did, but it doesn’t top my list.  The chocolate qualifies as chocolate in the same way I qualify in terms of being educated.  The nuts add some texture, but the caramel is too sweet.

Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup:  the peanut butter is saltier than normal peanut butter which I quite liked, but it also has an overly oily mouth-feel as if they fortified it with Crisco, and the chocolate tastes waxy.  If you eat a second one the peanut butter tastes better, but the chocolate still tastes below average. 

The third one was a huge mistake.

Hershey’s Chocolate Bar:  it does not taste waxy like the Reese’s, and while it’s much sweeter than any chocolate I normally eat straight-up, it really tastes like milk chocolate ought to.  And it breaks off into nice two-bite pieces which extends the time it takes to eat.  Nice.

Nestle Crunch: the chocolate tastes as good as Hershey’s and far better than Reese’s; additionally, I like the sensation of the puffed rice crunching and popping in my mouth.  This is a nice one. I need to try another Kit Kat and compare.   They are different even if they are both chocolate enrobing something crisp, but I am leaning toward Nestle Crunch.

Peeps: I would rather have a rectal exam performed by someone with arthritis and really long fingernails than eat one of those ever again.

Smarties, Necco Wafers, Sweet Tarts:  Despite people falling into very definite camps as to which they think are best, they all pretty much taste like talcum powder mixed with flavoring.  Having said that, Necco Wafers have the best packaging and you can use them as roof tiles on a gingerbread house so they win.

Whoppers: these remind me of three things—my grandmother owned a necklace that looked like a string of malt balls; my other grandmother made a malt-flavored cake that was brushed with chocolate syrup and filled with whipped cream; and my mother would never let me get a frozen malted milk when we went to an A’s game (like I went so I could watch someone chase a God-damned ball). 

They taste old-fashioned, have a nice crunch, and make me feel nostalgic and warm inside (except for that A’s game bullshit). 

That’s all I have tested so far, but it’s quite possible I have to buy more so I’ll see if I can get a few other varieties and continue with this.

 

 

 

 

 

Have you seen this?

Who knew that Miracle Whip was the Che Guevara of sandwich spreads. 

 

 

 

 

I have another cat.  She is not living in the house, but she does rely on me for food.  A very small white kitten.  I have seen her with no other cat so I guess she is on her own.  Sad.  Seamus seems to like her.  That’s sweet, but not good.

I took off Jingle’s collar.  I wanted to see what would happen.  Two days later he showed up wearing a new collar.  And yet, he still sits out there looking pathetic, trying to convince me they do not feed him at home.  He really thinks I’m an idiot.  My sister told me to take off the new collar and put the old one back on.  I might. 

The raccoons are vexing, but what can you do?  They are hungry, and hungry animals often dig in potted plants and scratch on the back door hoping someone will toss them something.  They do almost exclusively what they must do, and that’s more than can be said for my own species.

 

 

 

 

It’s been a while since I complained about being allergic to everything in the world.  Sunscreen was at the top of the list the last time I complained, and that has not changed.  It makes my skin into a oilslick within moments of being in the sun and when I come in and look in a mirror, I wonder why I look as though I am going through puberty.

I tried a bunch of cleansers, toners and lotions to counteract the effects with mixed results, Clinique’s Acne Solutions Clarifying Lotion being the best of the lot, in that it didn’t make it worse and sometimes even helped.  I ran out and contemplated dropping another $15.

I read the label: witch hazel, alcohol, water, salicylic acid, and a few extracts.  I bought bottles of witch hazel and isopropyl alcohol, and mixed them with water and a baby aspirin.  I’ve been using it for a week  (after washing with Cetaphil cleanser for sensitive skin); so far it works as good as Clinique, and better than virtually any other product I have tried in a year.

Step right up and get your very own bottle of Cat Boy’s Miracle Elixir— a bargain at three farthings.

PS. Does anyone know who George Cauldron is?