Age: 44. I am 44 and cannot think of anything either witty or insightful to say about it.
Bed Size: Actually, there’s a very interesting story behind this. I went mattress shopping on Labor Day three or four years ago, and the sales person in the store expressed shock and concern over my saying I wanted to buy a full-sized mattress.
“We never sell full beds to adults; they all want a queen size, at least.” I told him that a full bed fit the room perfectly and that the extra six inches of length on a queen bed would bring it too close to the facing wall. He explained that most people are willing to deal with a cramped room if it means a bigger bed to sleep in; I explained that most people are stupid. I have since swapped rooms with my foster cats, taking the room that is a foot narrower for myself. Had I listened to that salesperson and got the queen bed I would now have to walk sideways to get in the room.
This was not a very interesting story, but I wanted to demonstrate my belief that whenever someone says “Actually, it’s a very interesting story,” it rarely is.
Chore that you hate: I currently hate most household chores. I have less time in which to do them so I end up rushing through things with half-assed results. It’s difficult to enjoy things that you are doing both quickly and poorly.
Dogs: I like some dogs. I like dogs who do not feel the need to jump on me when they seem me. I like dogs who have no interest in licking my face. I’ll feed them treats and deal with their spit on my hands, but I prefer that they keep it off my face. I like dogs who are Corgis. I like cartoon dogs who make friends with cats.
I would normally insert a video here of Marc Anthony and Pussyfoot but youtube doesn’t seem to have the original cartoon up right now.
Essential start to your day: I pee, I drink water, and I feed a lot of cats.
Favorite Color: “Favorite” questions are tedious.
Greatest achievement: I’m just going to say something facetious so let’s skip it.
Height: 5 foot 6 inches as far as I know.
Instruments that you play: I played a Fisher Price xylophone many years ago but I’m sure I wasn’t very good at it.
Justin Bieber: He looks like a 21st century Shaun Cassidy, but he speaks like a white kid with gangsta delusions. It makes me sad inside.
Kids: I like children. Not all children. Mainly just those who are adorable and don’t require anything of me. Some kids (especially those of Indian and Middle Eastern descent) who come into the pet rescue adoption clinics have gorgeous eyelashes and I want to steal them for myself. But you’re not allowed to steal children’s body parts for your own use.
Live: And in person. What is this question supposed to be asking?
Mother’s Name: It’s from the Bible. Her character cut off some guy’s head. Do your research and you’ll figure it out. No, it’s not Salome. Salome asked for someone’s head; she did not do any actual cutting.
Nicknames: I recently called someone “Nightmare on Slut Street.” I also called a man whose name I forgot “The Moroccan guy with the scowling neighbor.” This type of nickname is okay by me, but if your name is William and you go by Willie, you have made a mistake.
Obama or McCain: I would swear I already voted on this one.
Pet peeves: People.
Quote: “My boot! You have my boot!” Patti LuPone
(I did in fact have her boot.)
Random: Black-eyed peas are supposed to be eaten on New Years Day for good luck. The only year I recall doing this was the year my cousin died, my half-sister excommunicated my family from her life, my aunt developed Parkinson’s Disease, I started taking Ativan . . . I do not eat black-eyed peas, ever.
Subway or Quiznos: I have never been to Quiznos. I went to Subway once. I did not return. I think that says it.
Twitter: Twitter is a website where a user can post links and photos and text updates of no more than 14o characters. Celebrities often make use of the service in an effort to try to destroy their careers and reputations.
Underwear: I am all for it.
Vegetable(s) you hate: I don’t hate any vegetable. Right now the smell of broccoli cooking makes me sick to my stomach but I don’t hate the vegetable because of it; I just avoid it.
What makes you run late: I always wait until about 30 minutes before I am due to leave the house to get in the shower; trying to get household chores, business calls, or paperwork done, so I don’t have to face them when I come home. This is perfectly fine if you plan ahead and know that your clothes are laundered and where you think they are, that there is shampoo in the shower, etc. I tend to forget those little things and end up running out the door while trying to tie my shoes.
X-rays you’ve had: Teeth/mouth/jaw and chest.
Yummy food that you make: I make very good plum jam.
Zoo animal: People mostly answer “Lions” to a question like this and I think they’re wrong. Tiger is the correct answer. You give a lion a haircut and it no longer looks impressive, but you could shave a tiger and it would still be a tiger. They have stripes and lions do not. They walk with a little more style that lions do. They are very patient and/or tolerant; it took years before one of them finally attacked Siegfried or Roy. Tigers have a baseball team named after them which makes sense since cats enjoy watching baseball. Lions have a football team named after them which makes no sense since no cat (or me) would ever want to watch a football game. Tigers like Frosted Flakes. Lions require a lot of grooming to look good; tigers just wash their paws, give themselves a good shake, and they’re ready to go.
I could go on all day. . . Tiger is the correct answer.